Make no mistake

They are out to get us. Each and every one of us.

The terrorists, I mean.

This morning, I attended a Department of Homeland Security Soft Target Training Session. Lemme just say, it gave me a soft target.

The guy who led the training is a former Navy SEAL. Former MN Governor Jesse Ventura was also a Navy SEAL, so we knew we were in good hands. Our presenter displayed a remedial-level grasp of the English language, so we knew we wouldn't get bogged down with semantics. We were going to get pure information.

For those who don't know, a soft target is virtually any public place where people gather without restriction, like malls, daycare centers, churches, community centers, schools and the like. And there are cells, no doubt about it, chock full of terrorists in cities like ours plotting in dank basements, ethnic cafes, and mosques (no duh!!) attacks against our children, grandparents and other cute, soft fleshy or furry lovable objects and people. We are all critical assets. (How's that for a term of endearment: I love you my critical asset. You are my criticalest assest... ad nauseum)

So, how can we prevent such attacks you want to know?

Of course you do. You're a patriot.

Well, vigilance is the most important step. Keep your eyes peeled for anything out of the ordinary. And if you see anything out of the ordinary, call the police immediately. In fact, if you have a cell phone, you should always hold it in your hand, with 9-1-1 dialed and your finger on 'send' just in case. Also, always make sure your HVAC system is not accessible to the public for the dissemination of biological or chemical agents into your infrastructure.

Things to keep your eyes out for*:

• suspicious homeless people pushing large suspicious looking carts filled with suspicious objects
• people tying their shoes in doorways for 30 minutes or more
• trucks parked near buildings
• low flying planes (sorry, I couldn't resist)
• suspiciously attractive young women carrying suspicious athletic bags who suspiciously deposit their seemingly full athletic bags in random dumpsters
• black people going through doors
• the guy with the high powered assault rifle and laser scope kneeling at the playground

When you check your mail, don't open any packages or envelopes that have grease stains, smell funny, have white powder (unless you were expecting white powder) or are ticking. In any of those cases, call the police immediately.

Oh, the things I learned this morning. Let us make the world a safer place together. And remember, freedom isn't free.

*according to the Department of Homeland Security and Emergency Management Soft Target Awareness Training (STAT)