Mailbag

Hey folks. It has been a long time since we've looked at some letters from our readers. Let's take a dip into the Friday mailbag, shall we?

Dear Holdening,
I have a friend who is almost 30 and likes to date younger women. His favorites are 18 and 19 year old waitresses and community college students. Lately, when I try to talk to him, he is always wearing his iPod and his pants are hanging low. What is wrong with him?
-Anonymous, MN

Dear Anonymous,
Your friend has a social disease. It is highly contagious. I would recommend severing contact with the depraved pervert immediately.


Dear Holdening,
I'm going to run a marathon tomorrow. Do you have any last minute advice?
Scoop Rosenbaum, CA

Dear Scoop,
My advice is to wear loose fitting pants for quick removal in emergency crapping situations. Also, carry a roll of toilet paper or wear an extra shirt. Remember to lube your nipples in order to avoid a potential finish line faux pas. Lastly, a satellite map of the race course will help you plan all your shortcuts. Good luck!


Dear Holdening,
My girlfriend is a tobacco chewer. She spits all over the apartment floor and the furniture. I've tried to tell her how disgusting her habit is but she keeps doing it. How can I get her to quit?
Tim Hillman, Analo Lakes, MO

Dear Tim,
Chewing tobacco is cool. It is reminiscent of a simpler time in American history when cowboys were good and indians were bad. I'm taking your girlfriend's side on this. Sorry buddy.