Short Timer

Now that I'm a short timer, I just sit at my desk and send people pictures of monkeys that I find on the internet. And I ain't gonna do a lick of work.

Another intern

We have this other intern here. She is about 80 years old. We call her The Old Lady. Just kidding.

She has been volunteering for probably 50 years in our office organizing photocopied newspaper articles in three ring binders, all the while rambling aimlessly and incoherently about the Old Country. She's a sweet lady and she likes me to call her grandma.

Today she brought me a present: a jar of Orange Grapefruit Marmalade. I don't know why this particular jar of marmalade screamed, "gift for Holden." But it did apparently. The best part, is that on the lid it says "BEST FLAVOR BEFORE 2/1998."

Thanks Grandma.

Annual Fun-raiser!!

Last night my agency (MY AGENCY!! MINE!!) had our annual fundraiser and boy did we ever put the fun in fundraiser! We had George Snufflupagus come and speak about what its like to be an imaginary friend.

You would not believe how many wrinkled, crumpled, old rich men came with women who are have clearly had work done. Their lips don't move when the talk. Their boobs don't bounce when they walk. Their hair is the color of, um, I don't know. Yellow? And their skin is the most unnatural tan color, and stretched taut so that you can see the shape of their skulls. Ridiculous.

If you are a rich old man who wants a trophy wife, just get a trophy wife. Don't try get your old model upgraded. It just looks gross and unnatural. Like marrying a cyborg.

Going globile

We just googled "Holdening." It was an exercise in ego. We were certain that the illustrious blog you are now reading would be the first (and possibly only) site listed. Boy were we wrong. We were listed midway down the fourth page (follow the above link).

Apparently there are streets, cities and typos called Holdening. Who knew?

Now we have a new goal in life. To get to the top of the google search. If you have a website, feel free to link to us.

And let us know, we'll link to you too. Let us join hands across the information super highway, and help to create a better world. Or a more cynical and sarcastic one at least.

Oh- If in six months, we aren't at the top, we will eat this kitten. Please help save the kitten.

End of an affair

Well, the good news is that soon I'll have a lot more time to write. The bad news is that I won't have anything to write about.

I QUIT, BITCH!!!

The smell of groceries

Last night I bought a bunch of groceries at Whole Foods and I went home and cooked dinner. This morning my piss smells like Whole Foods.

BZZZZZZZ

I'VE HAD A LOT OF COFFEE TODAY.