Outpour

I just want to thank everyone for the recent outpouring of support and encouragement. As all my loyal readers know, this has been a cathartic experience and it has been invaluable to know you are all out there. I would now like to share with you a few of the letters I've received from you, the readers.

Dear Holden,
It sounds like what you need is Gold Bond Powder. Apply daily after showering and it should clear up within a week.
Regards,
Dr. V__ L_______

Dear Holden,
I'm horrified that you would sell this product to children. My two year old now curses like a sailor and my 4 year old son lost an eye when the nailgun malfunctioned. You'll be hearing from my lawyer!
Fuck off,
S____ B______

Thanks for reading! Keep the letters coming!!

Cracked

As I arrived at the office, I realized that I forgot my lip balm. Everyday, the first thing I do is apply a coat of balm, to soften my lips for the day. It makes all the doublespeak and fake smiling easier, knowing that my lips won't suddenly crack. But today they have already cracked and I'm bleeding all over my shirt. I'm going to try to stop the bleeding with little bits of tissue.

Leaky Management

I was out of the office all of last week because of jury duty and a nasty cold. When I got in this lovely Monday morning bearing with me all the renewed vigor of, well, Monday morning after a weekend spent sick, I noticed that there had been a leak over my desk while I was gone. The new computer which had just been purchased for me was ruined. And work is going to make me pay for it cause I didn't report the leak in a timely manner. They are going to dock me two weeks pay (after taxes). And, I don't get paid for jury duty.

Bag O' Beef Jerky

I'm being micromanaged today. Call this person, call that person, did you call them?, both of them?, what did they say?, that kind of thing. I've been sitting at my desk all morning eating this bag of beef jerky like potato chips. But nobody can micromanage this bag of beef jerky. I've got it totally handled.

On top of that, I found out where my girlfriend goes when she says she having dinner with her friends. She goes to the casino and pisses away all my money. Last night, while I'm waiting for her to come home, watching the Pimp My Ride marathon like a bitch, she's blowing on some other guys dice. Shit.

My friend

I have a friend who reads my blog. His name is Haypenny. Thanks for tuning in man.

Do you ever sit at your desk for too long and ignore your bodily functions? I just stood up and pissed myself.

Fire

I think I'm about to get fired! Holy crap! Duck!

Callin' from the Gazebo (On the East Side)

I got my phone back yesterday. But before I got it back, I lost it. Then it was gone for two and a half days while the guy who had it called my voice mail and said things like, "Hi Ted, I have your phone, I guess you're not home. So call me back" and "Ted, I'm not wearing any panties. Too bad you're not home." But he wouldn't leave his number. What an asshole.

Eventually, I changed my message to tell him to call my house, then I changed the message at my house to tell him to call my work and then I changed my message at work to tell him to call my cell phone and then he kept calling and calling. I'm a genius.

Actually, he finally got me at work. He said he had just left town and my heart sunk with the heavy thought of having to drive or stand in line at the grocery, or sit in services at synagogue without talking on my phone. But just as quickly as my hopes were dashed, he told me that he left the phone somewhere where I could get it. I figured at a coffeeshop or the concierge of his building or something like that.

Anyone wanna guess where he left it? Of course not, cause nobody reads this crap.

He said, "Are you familiar with the east side of Lake Calhoun?"

"Uhhhh, yeah," I said, "The east side? I lost the phone at Lake Calhoun."

"Well, at 32nd Street there is a staircase."
[dramatic pause, drag from a cigarette]

"At the bottom of the staircase, across the path, near the playground, 25 feet from the lake is a gazebo-esque structure."
[cough]

"On this 4-sided structure are a series of maps, instructing bicycle riders on suggested paths."
[heavy breathing]

"Your phone has been placed on a ledge at the underside of the inside of this gazebo."
[running]

"On the northwest face."
[panting]

"It is out of plain sight and should still be there."
[gunshots]

And it was! YEAH! I got my phone back. Fuckin great. In retrospect, it was better when it was lost. I have too much stuff to carry all the time anyway, my inhaler, my cigarettes and lighter, my nicotene gum, and this phone.

I just found out my girlfriend is a gamer.

Aarghh

I need a new job. This one is killing me.

Directives

I HATE it when directives come in the following forms:

1. “I think you need to…”
2. “We need to…”
3. "You're going to have to..."

I makes me want to say fuck off.

What is this 'we' shit? Who is 'we?' 'We' is me? Fuck that.

Inception

I had an idea last week to start a blog. I think I'm the first one to come up with it. But I've got nothing to say. Let's just see if a topic develops. It might be funny or it might be boring. I might even try to be profound at times. I could blog about people at work or about the drama of life that no one cares about. I don't know yet.

I almost misspelled the name of my blog. Thanks to that girl who loves to be right all the time. She bugs the shit out of me.

I ate a whole bag of beef jerky today. Also a donut and a piece of cheesecake. I'm going to have pizza for dinner. Mabye I'll chronicle my slow and steady weight gain.