Recant

I feel bad. She just stopped by to pick up the pamphlets and she's old and sweet and seems kind of lonely. I'm a bad person. I will change my tone. I won't make fun anymore.

Some people

Woman on the phone (WOTP): Do you have any copies of such and such resource pamphlet that I can hand out tomorrow at a local house of worship where I am giving a speech on discrimination? See I wrote a book on discrimination for your agency.

Holden: Oh. How many copies do you need?

WOTP: Well my husband came from England after the war, where he'd been hiding during the war. He was hiding from the Nazis during the war. And since then, since he came here from England after the war, we always gone to a particular house of worship and we are very dedicated to them.

Holden: That's nice. How many copies do you need?

WOTP: They asked me to speak because I wrote a book on discrimination for your agency. I didn't actually write the book, but I edited it as a volunteer. I live downtown.

Holden: Uh huh. How about 15 copies?

WOTP: That'd be neat. And where are you located? I live downtown.

Holden: We are at 100 Apple Street.

WOTP: Well isn't that neat! I live on Apple Street. Then I will walk there. Hmmm... I can't picture it in my head, where your office is... Well I will walk there. Hopefully I won't get heatstroke.

Holden: Great. Bring a bottle of water and an umbrella. Thanks. Good bye.

WOTP: Yeah, hahaha. See I edited the book as a volunteer, so I didn't get paid. If I were smart, I would have asked for royalties and then donated them back to the agency. Then I would have gotten a tax deduction. Hahaha.

Holden: Ok. Goodbye.
[click]

Forecast

Today's forecast:

Flurries early, turning to slush and a huge shit storm later.

Here's a question. I found out that my employer pays out vacation time after you quit (or after I quit, which is more likely). But do I continue to accrue vacation time while I'm being paid out? I have so much stored up, that I think it could mean an extra day of pay.

Imagination

I can't even pretend to care today.

Apples and wrenches

I'm writing this letter right now to clergy at local houses of worship, asking them to collaborate with our agency on two of our programs that have absolutely ZERO overlap. None. Not one single thing to do with each other.

Basically, nobody wanted to write the letter. So instead of two people writing two letters that they didn't want to write, they are having me write one letter that I don't want to write that will make no sense.

Dear Clergyman John,

We are writing to find out if you would like to buy some apples.

Also, would you like to buy some wrenches?

Love,

John Doe & Jane Smith
Doe Apples & Smith Wrenchworks

When you try to kill two birds with one stone, you usually miss both birds.

P.S. I wrote the letter and sent it to Mr. Doe and Ms. Smith. Mr. Doe wrote back shortly thereafter saying this letter looks fine and we can send it out as far as Doe Apples is concerned.

Ms. Smith, my superivsor, still hasn't written back. She won't until the absolute last possible second before the letter has to go out. Then she can give me a directive with the word "immediately" in it. It makes both of our lives more exciting.

I will continue to hold my breath...

The calling

There is a box full of Woulettes donuts in the conference room.
They are shrieking at a pitch that only I can hear.
The chocolate ones are a little quieter, their voices muffled by the frosting.
The only way to make the noise stop is to eat them.

Warning

As I post this at work, the irony is not lost on me. Maybe I'd like to be fired.

My wig: a lifestyle change

I'm going to stop wearing my wig. Dang, I hope I can still get chicks.

Deep

When someone uses the expression "balls deep," what is the starting point for measuring that depth? Is it the feet? Cause that would be even deeper than the other way, at least for some people.

Gorgeous

It is gorgeous outside. At least that's what is says on www. weather.com.

Moniker

When I have children, I will give them challenging names. Names that no other child will have. They will be vaguely familiar names. Names like Marvis, Harvin, and Gorbon. Their teachers will always think that there is a typo.