Holden

Holden
In your face Segal.

Make no mistake

They are out to get us. Each and every one of us.

The terrorists, I mean.

This morning, I attended a Department of Homeland Security Soft Target Training Session. Lemme just say, it gave me a soft target.

The guy who led the training is a former Navy SEAL. Former MN Governor Jesse Ventura was also a Navy SEAL, so we knew we were in good hands. Our presenter displayed a remedial-level grasp of the English language, so we knew we wouldn't get bogged down with semantics. We were going to get pure information.

For those who don't know, a soft target is virtually any public place where people gather without restriction, like malls, daycare centers, churches, community centers, schools and the like. And there are cells, no doubt about it, chock full of terrorists in cities like ours plotting in dank basements, ethnic cafes, and mosques (no duh!!) attacks against our children, grandparents and other cute, soft fleshy or furry lovable objects and people. We are all critical assets. (How's that for a term of endearment: I love you my critical asset. You are my criticalest assest... ad nauseum)

So, how can we prevent such attacks you want to know?

Of course you do. You're a patriot.

Well, vigilance is the most important step. Keep your eyes peeled for anything out of the ordinary. And if you see anything out of the ordinary, call the police immediately. In fact, if you have a cell phone, you should always hold it in your hand, with 9-1-1 dialed and your finger on 'send' just in case. Also, always make sure your HVAC system is not accessible to the public for the dissemination of biological or chemical agents into your infrastructure.

Things to keep your eyes out for*:

• suspicious homeless people pushing large suspicious looking carts filled with suspicious objects
• people tying their shoes in doorways for 30 minutes or more
• trucks parked near buildings
• low flying planes (sorry, I couldn't resist)
• suspiciously attractive young women carrying suspicious athletic bags who suspiciously deposit their seemingly full athletic bags in random dumpsters
• black people going through doors
• the guy with the high powered assault rifle and laser scope kneeling at the playground

When you check your mail, don't open any packages or envelopes that have grease stains, smell funny, have white powder (unless you were expecting white powder) or are ticking. In any of those cases, call the police immediately.

Oh, the things I learned this morning. Let us make the world a safer place together. And remember, freedom isn't free.

*according to the Department of Homeland Security and Emergency Management Soft Target Awareness Training (STAT)

Cumber

Sometimes when I go out, but never at work, I stuff my pants with a seedless English cucumber. You know, the 18 incher wrapped in cellophane. I do it just to see the reactions I get. Some people, when I talk to them, they just stare at my crotch with no shame. Other people try to discreetly steal a glance, but I always catch them. The odd thing is that it is usually guys who stare. It must be a guy thing.

Reminder

Note to self:
Shut the fuck up sometimes.

Sleep and bananas

Sleep is cumulative. If you don't get enough at night, you can take a nap in the afternoon and if the number of hours slept adds up, you won't be tired.

This has been a very busy week for me. I have been concentrating so hard on work that I neglected other important aspects of my life, my banana regimen being one example. I grabbed a banana this morning on my way to work (forgetting to take my last cup of coffee off the warmer) and brought it out to my car. When I opened up the main pocket of my briefcase to put the banana in with all of my cd's and matchbox cars that I bring to work everyday, there was already a banana in there. When I opened up the front pocket, there was a banana in there too. Now I have to eat three bananas at work today.

Maybe I'll give one to The Kid.

Vhoul

You should come here and check this out. I am having a great hair day. This is a once a year kind of day - maybe. I'm telling you.

The Queen

I don't own an operational bike. My father owns several and I may appropriate one of his uprights. He is a recumbent rider; it is easier on his back and prostate at his stage in life. This summer, we should ride to the farthest Dairy Queen we can find and stay there until they force us to leave.

In my half-marathon training I am up to 5 miles. I run like a flat-footed asthmatic, because I am both of those things.

Early withdrawal method

I'm sitting here listening to Besame Mucho on the radio and reading a buried news story in the New York Times about the US withdrawing from a certain protocol of the International Court of Justice over the court's decision that the US must review 51 death row cases involving Mexican nationals. And I'm eating a huge piece of chocolate cake. (Stop drooling Haypenny, you fatass, you'll ruin your keyboard and get your pants dirty) And I just had Indian lunch buffet. But I digress...

This story should be called The US Loses, Takes its Ball and Goes Home.

The US is the most powerful nation in the world, so what do we stand to gain by participating in an international body? Ideally, the UN and the world court are supposed to make tiny weak countries and big strong countries equal under international law. This is a threat to our hegemony and it is no shock that we (Bush, Gonzales) aren't interested in the greater good of humanity when there's some Mexican strapped into the electric chair in Texas. Or do they still use firing squad in Texas?

By the way, did you know that Argentina and the U.K. fought war in 1982 over the Falkland Islands in 1982? That seems so, like, totally uncivilized.

I don't like Bright Eyes. Like with Belle and Sebastian, I wish I did, but he is so overwrought. Maybe I'm underwrought.

Ronald McDonald is a prostitute.

Food is love. Who's hungry?

Goal time

I'm not going to set myself a goal time for the half marathon. I'm just going to run full speed the whole time and if I black out, well, at least I'll know that I tried my hardest.